Thanks, messaging improvements are in the realm of things that I know to work on, so adding some of these specific concerns to the product team’s documentation on this.
I appreciate the specific email too.
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Yeah – he also went off on the search function, and NOT TO BROKEN RECORD IT, but that’s super important to not just your creator community but patrons too!
We have to do this all the time. In fact, I just had to do it again yesterday:
Here is one patron complaining publicly to 14,000 members about our “service” on Patreon.
After a very long thread… this was my final response and I closed it down:
Sometimes, you just have to fire your customers. It’s better this way.
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I would make an announcement so this person doesn’t feel singled out (even though you are definitely addressing his actions specifically). I’d just say that as you’re growing your career you have to limit your time to certain platforms otherwise you spend all your time chatting it up with fans. Mention that you use Twitter for announcements, updates, or whatever but it could eat up all your creative time if you kept it open all the time or used it as another platform to chat and so you’re limiting your use. Then mute him. He doesn’t have to know he’s the only one getting muted since it was a general announcement. If he wants to contact you, he needs to use YOUR chosen channels and he needs to do so publicly.
That’s unfortunately where this started – this was a private email response to a Patreon post explaining how I will be doing private contact moving forward.
THAT SAID, muting is good, and done.
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high fives
If he’s truly supporting you creating art, he will adjust and continue. If he was just givin’ money to a cute girl hopin’ it would lead somewhere then he should have a clear message now that’s not the case. I know how it is to need that money and attempt a gentle approach to no avail with someone like that. They typically abuse the power they think they have in that position and it’s for the best that you make it clear early on they are not the one running the show.
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And my community has no room for certain people. I kick and ban people from my community if they are the kind of people I wouldn’t want in my real life community.
Yeah, it sucks a little to not get their money anymore. But it sucks more to let them stay.
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I understand your difficulties, and I don’t think it’s always a clear cut sort of situation of the “block and be done” variety.
When I feel like patrons are beginning to cross a line, I take my time to respond privately (sometimes several weeks), and I don’t respond publicly all the time. If this indirect approach doesn’t get the message across, I’ve found it’s usually time to block someone or stop responding entirely. I’ve never found the “talking it through” approach to work, as the supporter/proto-stalker tends to simply accuse me of overreacting or misunderstanding his attentions.
Bon courage!
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I’ve had my fair share of “I hope this isn’t too forward” messages. (Spoiler: It is.)
I’ve been able to just ignore or politely decline, but I understand some people turn that source of rejection into aggression. It’s certainly a fine line and I think it’s best to just not play their game.
We’re in the business of being on display, and I think a good amount of it comes with the territory. You’re somebody people look up to and admire, so let them, but you don’t interact with most of the people who are politely enjoying your content, so why should you give satisfaction to somebody who is stepping over the boundaries.
If you (or anybody) finds a more nuanced way to address this, please let me know!! I’d love to even be more transparent about it and make a video about it.
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I understand not having time to “correct” folx who should know better, and I believe that a little bit of public shaming can be helpful to everyone. I will write something like, “Messages with subtle or unsubtle judgments or inappropriate comments will be deleted. If such comments persist, the commenter will be blocked. I don’t tolerate shaming, unwanted comments on my appearance, or online flirting. If you know me and are talking with me about the content of my posts, those comments are welcome. If you don’t know me, and wonder if your comment will be unwelcome, use that as a guide and don’t send it. Also, too much is too much. If we aren’t best friends, we shouldn’t be ‘talking’ everyday.”
This way the boundary is public and others get the idea that I won’t put up with BS. Occasional posts like this seem to do the trick. But I’m super quick to block someone who abuses the privilege of writing to me. Nothing is worth being trolled over. Luckily, I haven’t gotten caught up in a storm of public response - other posters here seem to know more about how to handle that.
Good luck figuring out your policy!
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Same here. As a sex educator I hold a VERY hard line with a cut and paste about not sexualizing me. I fire that off immediately, whether it’s a public feed or private message, and most times get an apology. If they try to push it further or make excuses, Siberia.
What’s my cut and paste? (NSFW - as I teach about pegging or strap-on sex)
I realize this is playful, but if you know how often I get sexualized because I talk freely about sex and my kinks, you might not have written that. (It’s a common problem for sex educators.) Here are my boundaries: I will listen to stories about your sexual experiences, I will answer specific questions you have about bdsm/pegging, I will even give you advice on how to talk to your partner about bdsm/pegging. But the moment you start talking about me fucking/spanking you, it pisses me off, because that is sexualizing me, and we do not even know each other. #mindyourmanners #thinkwithyourbighead
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Ruby, I like your message, because it gives the person ample room to say “sorry, didn’t know that”. You did a great job stating your case, while still giving the contact a graceful way out.
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Thanks. There’s all too much shame connected with sexuality, no need to throw more at people who are bumbling their way through to learning about it.
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